Confrontational Unemployment

If you don't count the summer vacation, I have been unemployed for three weeks now. Officially, I have been unemployed for 5½ weeks.

Without the stress and, honestly, distraction of work I have had some time to self-reflect. Not all discoveries have been surprising. For example: I already knew that I love sleeping in. It's not even really sleeping anymore after a certain point. I just like staying in bed. With a book, with a puzzle book or some music - bliss. Without the obligation of work, I could easily spend every day in my pyjamas. But I already knew that from years of school vacations. Give me a week off and, if someone else doesn't plan something for me to do, I will spend that week in bed.

Another thing I already knew about myself was that I can become easily obsessed with things. When something catches my interest, I don't go with it, I take it everywhere. Guys, cigarettes, bands, TV shows, puzzle books, alcohol - I've clocked my fair share of Obsess Much (OM) time with all of them. And some of them still get more than their fair amount of attention from me. This character trait has become evident again in my frequent visits to the gym.

At first I went to the gym a few times a week in order to get my money's worth out of my gym subscription. No point in having one if I never went, right? Now, without a job to distract me, it's become pretty much the only thing I actually do. So I go 5-6 times a week. Sometimes twice a day. The death blow in this case was getting "a chart". A list of weight machines and cardio exercises to do two or three times a week to improve my condition and strength. Fair enough, I hear you think, what's the problem? The problem is that the results can be measured. And some of them don't even have a six week waiting time! I can see results right there on the screen of the cardio machines! Like rowing. My first time on the rowing machine I was "racing" my mother on the machine next to me. I wanted to complete the 2000m faster than she did. And I did. I finished in 10 minutes and 35 seconds, she finished in 10 minutes and 55 seconds. I wanted to do even better than that. So today, I wasn't racing my mother anymore, I was racing myself and my "old" time. I wanted to get in under 10 minutes. I felt like I was going to either throw up or die at one point but I made it in 9:59.8 and the feeling of satisfaction was tremendous.

I already know that I will want to do it faster than that next time. And I might even nearly kill myself in the attempt. Gradual improvements, my ass. Leaps and bounds is what I am after.

Anyone who knows me knows that I can be obsessive. They also know I would rather be lazy than tired so this whole gym thing is kind of a surprise. What gives with the health stuff all of a sudden? I have no answer. Maybe I will contemplate that later on.

I am getting a bit worried, though. Nothing major as I am still blissfully stress-free, but there are a few doubts creeping in here and there. While I am sometimes a bit bored without a job, I am still not really in a hurry to find a new one. All this fabulous free time is too precious a commodity at the moment. But ... what if I grow to really like not having to work? What if I turn into one of those people who just can't rejoin the work force?

On the other hand, I can feel myself getting twitchy and will want to do something other than read books and go to the gym at some point. The problem there is that I still don't know what I want to do. So far my best plan is to find some part-time temp job somewhere to at least give me a purpose a few days a week. Hardly a fitting occupation for someone who prides herself on her intellect.

*le sigh*

I know what my interests are and I know what my degree is in and they, sadly, don't correlate at the moment. Brilliantly, I can't even think of another degree to go for to get closer to my interests.

And so, I wait. Surely the answers and solutions will fall into my lap sooner or later. Right?

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"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough."

Angela Chase, My So-Called Life