I love the children's song "If You're Happy and You Know It (Clap Your Hands)". And I love it more because that's the only verse I am sure of.
Today, however, that song got me thinking. What if you are happy, but you don't know it? *beat* Give that a second to actually sink in. What if you really are happy but you have convinced yourself that you aren't?
I will explain my apostrophe (Hook reference - Mr Smee says "I think I've had an apostrophe" whereupon a very weary Capt'n Hook says "I think you mean an epiphany" -- love that movie. However, I digress ... bringing you back to the point now ... ), it came to me as I was trying to figure out if I liked being back at work or not.
I will have to (badly) explain a joke that made me think of the happy vs not happy thing in the first place: There's this store that sells men and it has seven floors. On each floor there is a type of man and you are free to take one from any floor. Each floor has an improved version. Floor One has a guy who will love you, take out the garbage and remember your anniversary. Well, each floor gets more and more extensive until you get to Floor Seven ... this floor has NO men, it sends you back to the entrance. Reason: If you hadn't found a man by then, there was no pleasing you. The punchline was that no woman ever left with a man because they always want something better.
It got me thinking. What if what you have is already making you happy but you are not seeing it because you are focussing on what you could be having instead?
To relate it back to me, the following: I left my job because I was unhappy there (I do not regret this decision in the least, best thing I've ever done for myself). However --- Now that I am back at the same school and teaching again, I have to wonder what it was that made me unhappy before (don't get me wrong, I have some very concrete ideas on this but none of them negate the absolute enjoyment I get from teaching. I keep talking about teaching ... all the time. People say that it's clear when I talk about it that I have a love for it).
I left because I wanted to discover a job that made me happy. I couldn't possibly be completely fulfilled doing something that was my last minute choice for college (because you could still sign in and I hadn't thought of anything else, yet), could I? Finding your calling in the job world does not happen by fluke, does it? You don't "accidentally" find the job that you love, do you? It can't possibly be a job that got handed to you. Can it? Really? Can it? Because all of the above apply to how I got started at the OSB.
In order to figure this out, I had to do an inventory. I have a few "gimmies" (read: meaning "give me's"), as my math teacher used to call factual components of an equation:
1) I do really love teaching kids the English language.
2) I do really enjoy working with teens and seeing them evolve into adults.
3) I enjoy the system the school I worked at, and am now back at, employs.
4) I enjoy the dialogue between me and my colleagues and, especially, me and the students.
5) I do not like being responsible for other people (read: students) and their conflicts and problems in life
6) I do not like parents (okay, I like some, but not a whole heckuva lot of them).
7) I do not like justifying my methods or reasons to parents or other people.
So, let's just take a step back and draw some conclusions.
My bottom line becomes the following: I love teaching. And, if I must say so myself, I am pretty damn good at it. I do not like being a mentor. I like "having a class" but I do not like the feeling that I am not "solving their problems" enough or making their life better. I realize those are unrealistic goals, but it's what I want to achieve nonetheless and it's frustrating to come nowhere near that goal, year after year.
But why do I immediately think my ideal job should be spotless, free of conflict and any kind of emotional involvement? Why do I think that my perfect job will be one where I don't have to worry, care, work hard, or even hurt? Because some of these kids have made me hurt. And doubt. And worry. And that is really hard. The job that makes me happy shouldn't be (emotionally) hard. Should it?
I thought my conclusion, after writing all of this, would be that, even with the hard stuff, I would still want to do it for the good stuff. But I am still not so sure of that. I really enjoy "just" being a teacher. And I hope that I find a way to keep doing that.
How do I combine what I enjoy with the parts of that job that I deeply dislike?
Am I happy? Do I know it? *clap your hands*
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3 comments:
I don't think I have any advice or answers! It's just so much to think about. I remember when I would get frustrated with my job or other situations I was in, and the frustration was a direct result of the lameness another person was putting forth, I would think, "Being a part of this world means dealing with humans. I can't escape it." I don't know of a job that is completely exempt from dealing with people that are challenging. I'll clap my hands though!
Maybe you should try teaching College freshmen. I don't know how it is over there but here the freshmen are still in that teenage stage where you get to watch them grow into adults but you don't have to deal with parents.
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